Leaders from across the globe arrived at this year's climate summit aboard a fleet of private jets, in a two hundred car motorcade, to spend three days agreeing that the true threat to the planet is your plastic straw and your failure to sort your recycling correctly.
The summit concluded with a strongly worded statement, a group photograph, and a pledge to meet again next year in a different luxury city to say the same thing. No binding commitments were made, though the buffet received cautious praise and the gift bags were described by attendees as substantial.
A spokesperson thanked ordinary citizens for their sacrifices and encouraged them to keep skipping the straw, biking to work, and feeling personally responsible, while the people making the actual decisions returned to their jets, which idled the entire time so the interiors would stay cool.