A landmark study released Tuesday by the Bootstrap Institute concluded that the average American could have comfortably afforded a single family home if they had simply declined to purchase avocado toast every morning beginning in the year 1763.
The report, which spans four hundred pages and assumes a fixed toast price across three centuries, found that by forgoing the eleven dollar brunch item daily for two hundred sixty years, a prudent saver would have accumulated enough for a down payment, closing costs, and the bidding war they would still lose.
Dr. Chadwick Sterling, the institute's lead economist, acknowledged that avocado toast did not exist in 1763, that the saver in question would also not exist, and that wages have not kept pace with housing since long before brunch. He described these as minor methodological footnotes.
The study recommends that young people stop ordering toast, stop ordering coffee, stop ordering anything, and consider being born earlier.