A sweeping new analysis concluded this week that the results of scientific studies correlate almost perfectly with the wishes of whoever paid for them, a finding produced by a study funded by a foundation that very much hoped this would be the finding.
The lead researcher, who requested that no one examine the funding disclosure too closely or at all, said the results were robust, peer reviewed by colleagues on the same payroll, and consistent with the check that made them possible. He noted that the study could not be reproduced by independent labs, which he offered as further evidence that he was correct.
A follow up analysis, funded by a snack company, is expected to conclude that snacks are essential, and a third, funded by a mattress firm, will reveal that lying down is the single greatest predictor of success and moral worth.